If your husband was a porn star…

I read a great article on the New York times about a woman who met her husband through the porn industry. He asked her to quit her job, and years later she is happily married with a child. He continues to star in adult films and she gets asked, “How do you do it?” Her husband sleeps with different women all the time. That’s how he pays the cable bill. How does she do it?

Her answer was so simple. For others it might be the young blonde secretary out there in the waiting room. Or the hot best friend, that you were never too sure if it was JUST friendship. If he is going to leave it means he was never meant to stay. Your destiny is not tied to people that leave, only people that stay. So begging, pleading, tears get you nowhere. Everyone is ultimately looking for happiness. For different people, that might mean different things. I like security, I would like to have that guy that I marry be my high school sweetheart. He doesn’t. He’s young and ambitious and he’s a guy who runs for the hills when talks of the future come up.

Why am I wasting away precious time, energy, and happiness on a boy who doesn’t love enough to want a future with me? It’s not his fault, there’s nothing to blame. It’s just life. Sometimes, life gives you a soulmate who is a porn star. If he’s your soulmate then he will never leave you. If he leaves you, for some sleazy new girl, he was always going to leave you. I think, after going through a heartbreak like this, what I’ve learned is to treat the people that you are in a relationship with well. Never take them for granted. If you give it all of your effort, and you are able to walk away saying, “I was a good girlfriend” then its not your problem if you break up. It’s his. He will regret it months later.

I guess that’s the point of life too. It was always cool in middle school to not care about anything. You didn’t do your homework? Automatically cool. But this is reality, we aren’t in middle school anymore. Maybe we should all start trying. Giving everything 100% effort. The type of work that your kindergarten teacher would give you a gold star for and then your mom would hang it up on the fridge. Because then, if we don’t get that promotion, or that award, or that grade, or that person at least we can walk away knowing that we gave it our best shot. It just wasn’t meant to be.

Never ever feel stupid about giving it your best shot. Remember this, some woman out there is waiting behind a closed door, waiting for the director to yell “cut”. I’m sure she eyes up the actresses that her husband works with, wondering “am I prettier?” just like the rest of us. But sometimes, the guys don’t go for the prettier, skinnier, curvier, smarter, funnier girl. Sometimes they just go for THAT girl. And you don’t want to be with THAT guy.

Shes a porn star’s wife, who waits patiently for her husband to come home everyday. She’s giving it her best in their relationship. For him, it really is just sex and another way to pay the bills.

Here’s the part where I relapse…

It’s me again. Surrounded by tissues, crying 6 times a day, keeping myself confined to walls created by my blankets. I went back to school, and we were acting like a couple. We saw each other everyday, kissed, spent the night in his arms. Then came the fights; he was frustrated that I was always emotional. Now, here I am, back at square one. Empty. He can’t be in a relationship he says. So, this time, we broke up for real. It was inevitable of course, even I saw it coming. But when it happened, it knocked the wind out of me. 

He saw how weak I was. He told me I needed to be more independent and stand on my own. He tried to be my fucking mom and give me some life lesson. I’m going through withdrawal. I have small little bursts of anxiety. I want him back, at whatever the cost. I NEED to get over him already. It is the thought of him that is holding me prisoner preventing me from being happy. I think I need to reduce contact. I’m so lost, my instinct tells me to go back, its safer there and warmer. He’ll protect me from all of life’s lemons.

I read my old blog posts and I’d admire how beautiful some of them sound. They almost don’t sound like this rambling mess of words I have just spewed onto the page in a moment of sheer desperation (aka right now). I don’t know how to move forward, only how to move back. I took a big step, since we broke it off. We said we would just be friends. We say alot of things. This time, I think we were serious. This time, I think was the end. So I guess make way for more blog posts, as I try again, round 2, down this road of independence and singledom. He came back, and I wonder if he’ll come back again. 

This time, I feel like its over. This time I feel like I need to walk away from the ashes. Sometimes you get cut more picking up broken pieces and it’s just better to let them be. So maybe I’ve finally learned my lesson. Time to actually be independent, to roll up my sleeves and start doing some major reparations of my ego. This is probably good for me, my head was getting too big anyways.

New Beginnings or the Same Ending?

Hi Readers! It’s been a while. I’d like to proudly inform you all that I am no longer willingly confining myself to the realms of my room but have ventured out in the concrete jungle of Manhattan to work at an old internship. I have started eating again, and if carbs and ice cream count towards a healthy and well-balanced diet, then you might as well say that I’ve gone vegan. The workload in a corporate environment makes me understand why so many of these uptight and balding men go through mid-life crises. But at least it prevents me from obsessing over the breakup all day every day. Ironically, I write this at work because today, I actually have no work. So, it is time to update you all on my life.

They say the only constant in life is change. That was all of August. The first couple days were spent with his number blocked, crying myself to sleep, and calling my closest friends for hours. Then came the messaging, and along with it a backslide into desperation and utter loss of self-respect. Now, we are talking, even flirting, and we have agreed to meet up. Before you start popping champagne bottles and toasting to my happily ever after, let me say that I am no success story. It’s a long road to happiness, I’m not sure if it is even logically worth it.

I haven’t changed much, and my flaws are still very very apparent. Most relationship gurus will tell you to make a list of your Ex’s negative qualities. I say, make a list of your own too. Everything he has ever insulted you for, every argument and frustration, make sure you get it down in writing. Tape it next to your bed, and make sure you read it every morning. Take this time to work on yourself, without worrying about other people. Remember that one sketchy website that garunteed your ex back was actually right. If it was a long and meaningful relationship, it won’t just end. He won’t suddenly lose feelings for you. So don’t worry about getting him back, they ALWAYS come back.

He says he is trying too, to be a better man for me. I’m glad that he has swallowed his pride and acknowledged his own flaws, but how much of that is all talk? Have things truly changed? Have I even changed enough to let go of the past and move forward? See, I told you this is far from a happy ending. He says we broke up because I don’t trust him. Notice how I write, “He says.” Doesn’t take a genius to figure out how well I have worked on my trust issues.

This first date, won’t be like other first dates. There will be no introductions and the excitement of getting to know someone on a deeper level. There isn’t the adrenaline rush of traveling down that winding road to falling in love, because we were already there. This is us driving backwards.  BUT the rear view mirror has blind spots. What if I get hit again, and end up on the pavement with the wind knocked out of me. Do I take the risk?

I feel like I haven’t changed, I haven’t become less possessive and clingy. I haven’t become more reliable and stuck to my promises. I still make these empty promises that only reflect on the gaping hole I feel inside of me. And even though duct tape is the holy grail in plumbing repairs, I don’t think it will work its magic this time. This, unfortunately must be the time for me to actually confront my weaknesses and stop finding my happiness in a boy. See, all those Nicholas Sparks movies did not prepare me for the aftermath of a great love. All this pain and uncertainty of a new beginning does not come with a passionate reunion in the pouring rain. It comes with stress, an aching heart, and waiting. Is it worth it? You tell me.

Reflections

Reader be warned, this is me rambling. This is a post I hope to reread when I forget how far I’ve come on this journey towards recovery. It is long, it is repetitive, it is a scolding, and it is a pep-talk. It is a thousand lessons that this experience has taught me, taken down in writing so I don’t forget. We all make mistakes, and sometimes we learn from them, but most of the time we forget. I do not want to forget. Your body, as scientific research proves, will never remember the pain, but by writing this post I hope my mind will remember the lessons learned.

In the time since the end of my relationship to this very moment I have done the following: lost an unhealthy amount of weight, utterly humiliated myself in front of him, his friends, my friends and family, reconnected with old friends, and got a Netflix account. BUT most importantly, I’ve matured as an individual, not as much as I would like, but nonetheless steps have been made in the correct direction.

Here the not-so-conventional wisdom that I have acquired:

#1) Acknowledge why you broke up. It’s not over some girl, it must be deeper than that. The two of you played a role in the termination of your relationship. Sure, he holds some of the blame, but since I can’t change him, let me focus on myself. I started allowing my ex to create my happiness, cause me to become needy and clingy, constantly needing him to be around me 24/7. The confident, ambitious girl that he had fallen in love with had changed into an introverted anxiety-ridden clinger. He on the other hand had changed for the better, becoming much more social and open to new people. My ambitions started to revolve around him also, the independence I had prior to meeting him was gone and replaced with a severe mental and physical dependency.

#2) Very few times in life will you get the opportunity to have someone point out all the flaws in your personality. Once the tears and heartache have subsided to a reasonable magnitude, take a realistic look at every hurtful thing he said. Could some of them be true? For me, although some of the accusations were taken to the extremes, there was some once of truth in every nasty insult he threw at me. Selfish? I was selfish. Hypocritical? Yup. Untrusting? Check. Unreliable? You betcha. Very few people are willing to take a real good look at themselves in front of the mirror. Now’s your chance to put on your hard hat and do some real construction work. I’m at rock bottom, my ego has been so badly beaten it hides in a corner, so what better time to make this necessary change. At the top of my game with Prince Charming in hand, I’d be too preoccupied and too proud to even think that I had these flaws to begin with. I can practice with my family and friends and try to implement these changes into my personality permanently. I might have been born or raised in an environment that allowed me to be a pretentious bitch, but I don’t NEED to stay that way. When I get back to college, I want to be able to show not only him, but my peers and especially myself that I have changed for the better. Change is the only constant in life, there’s no use resisting it. If my relationship status changed, lets change myself too, not for him to want me back, but for me to become the very best version of myself.

#3) I thought the virtue of patience deserved its own number. I am impatient. Those three words, have summed up the entirety of my life. I can never sit still, and I always look towards the future while ignoring the present.My ex used to complain all the time of me never enjoying the moments with him but constantly daydreaming about our wedding. Not only do I not stop to smell the roses, I don’t even see the roses, just the thorns. The present is a gift, that’s why they call it the present. Kung Fu Panda taught me that. I shouldn’t be impatiently waiting for the future, the present has so much too offer, no matter how bleak the situation seems. Although my breakup involved another woman, constant fighting, the realization that perhaps this wasn’t even love-it was obsession, recognition of flaws and huge differences even among core values, and even possible emotional abuse (according to my dramatic friends) it can be summed up into one simple statement. Time. After all the fighting, bitterness, and emotions he wanted time to figure out what his feelings were for me. As much as it hurts to acknowledge that he no longer loved me so deeply or at all anymore, it was reality. During my disastrous breach of no-contact everything was laid out on the table. He said he still thought about me every day. I know he still cared, and still worried about me. I do the same for him. But, even my own love towards him, was it real and true or was it just lust and obsession. The thing is, only time will tell. I just have to be patient. Nobody can see the future, if it is meant to be, it will be. Things change, people change, perspectives change. How? Time. Just be patient, focus on self-improvement, and time will take care of the rest.

#4) Life doesn’t give you many chances for a new beginning. You can’t just start over with a new house, new kids, new friends, new family. With this breakup, this truly is a new beginning. As I start my year in school I have the opportunity to make a new life for myself. A possible new career path, joining new clubs, meeting new people, dating new boys are all in store. These new-found experiences will add to me becoming a new person, externally that is. I think the only way that you can truly rekindle your romance with an ex is a fresh start. When the two of you seem like completely different people, only then will it be worth your time to give each other another shot.

#5) After actively focusing on your own life and trying to improve yourself the only thing TO DO is wait. Once you’ve done everything you can the only thing left to do is wait. Time, that’s all you need. Stop being impatient that time is taking so long, of course it does, that’s what TIME is. With time you will learn to let him go as you are now, with time you might meet someone better, with time you will gain perspective, with time he may or may not come back, and with time you may or may not care.

So keep on moving forward. Keep on improving day by day. Here’s your chance to make yourself better, take it. Think less about him and more about you. Stop google-ing “Ways to Get Back with my Ex” because even those websites tell you the same thing, TIME. So sit back, relax, and for god sake try and smile once in a while. Life is great, enjoy the present but also know that things will get better. They always do. Life has a funny way of working out for the best.

-B

 

All the Single (Lonely, Desperate, Sad, Clingy, Crazy) Ladies

As much as I would love to have Beyonce’s perspective on my current relationship status, I didn’t “wake up like this.” Well, actually, I did. I haven’t gotten out of my pajamas or brushed my hair. But I AM currently lacking in Queen B’s confidence, charisma, and curves.

My mental state had improved dramatically following the last four days of no contact. I seemed to have matured immensely and was even beginning to see the upside of the breakup. I had called my best friend the night before and foolishly declared that at the rate I was going, in the next four days I would be a changed woman. Stupid, stupid girl. Guess who messaged me the next day at 3 in the morning. It was a polite message, simply to inform me that he had moved out of our apartment that we had leased for the summer. He was concerned about my well being and hoped that I would feel better.

The self control I had built up over the last four days which allowed me to convince myself that I could live, no THRIVE without him, went to shit. The desperation poured out of me as I messaged him back over and over, keeping the conversation going. The progress I had made, the person I had become, was tossed aside, as the crazy psycho-exgirlfriend took the reigns. I cried, no, bawled for an hour. I moped all day. Surprise surprise, after 4 days of no-contact, he still did not regain feelings for me. Nothing had changed, hmmmmm I wonder why…. (please note the sarcasm), I continued to barrage him with questions, had he finally figured out his true feelings for me? (No.) Was he still in love with me? (Probably not). Where was my self-worth? (Gone.)

He missed me, he told me that several times. I understood, after going through a YEAR’S worth of spending almost every hour of the day together to being ripped apart and forced to continue through life alone is daunting. I’m sure he feels it too, after all, I didn’t date a TOTAL asshole. But he wasn’t sure of his feelings towards me, whether it be just love or just attachment and dependency. Then again, we are in college, so how could we know the first thing about love. But then again, I’m in college, and this breakup is the end of the world. What do you expect, I am a hormonal teenager barely functioning as an adult, of course I think I can’t live without him!

Ok, ok no more excuses. Starting tomorrow I have to force myself to move on. This isn’t the Notebook, writing 365 letters will only get you one thing Noah, a restraining order. I cannot continue waiting for someone who “isn’t sure whether they should be with me or not.” I cannot let my own personal value be defined by someone else. I am going to take this next month before school to build myself up, and ensure my own personal happiness. I want to show him that I don’t need him, and he wasn’t so Irreplaceable. That first day I’m going to strut right in with my head held high as a Single Lady and prove to him that I was the Best Thing He Never Had. Enough Beyonce jokes for you? Then please, on your keyboard press “to the left, to the left” arrow key to leave the page :).

-B

I like my coffee black…like my soul.

My best friend from college used to say this all the time, making me laugh as we were the two most cynical 18 year old girls ever. “I hate flowers, and all other living things” she used to say. For her 20th birthday we threw her a surprise party where the theme was “black.”

But, as the story goes, she grew up. She went on a trip to India for her major, and gained all the world knowledge and wisdom and inner peace that a college-aged female can gain from study abroad. Granted, most of this knowledge and inner peace was just exotic Facebook photos that got a million likes, but her attitude had changed. She was happy, after a tumultuous breakup that included drunk texts, tears, and regretful experiences with boys lasting for months.

I finally realized that happiness is a choice. I can choose to sit around all day, moping for the rest of my summer, over a heart that had been ripped out and stomped on. Or I can choose to try and move on. In life you can’t go back, the only choices are standing still or moving forward. I stood still for a while, for a month and a half to be exact. Let me tell you, wrong move. The second I stopped passively letting life beat the living shit out of me, things started getting better.

#1 I was living with him for the summer. I packed my bags and got the hell out of there-for the rest of the summer.

#2 We were still texting daily as “friends.” Maybe friends for him, but for me he was like that friend that you not so secretly were in love with, and stalked everyday, and cried about (o wait, thats an exboyfriend). So I cut the cord, you don’t need another friend, especially one that makes you cry. So I blocked him. and I’m keeping him blocked.

#3 I’m running, multiple times a day. As soon as I start to get sad, lace up my running shoes and start running. Running makes the time go by, makes me healthier, hungrier, and accomplished.

#4 I’m blogging. When I wake up in the morning, I’m excited to blog, I’m excited to see how people have liked my latest post. It’s a nice way for me to track my journey and it makes me feel like at least SOME people care about my life (unlike Mr. Evil-Horrible-Nasty-Dumper-Guy aka my ex)

What I have yet to come to terms with is the fact that its over. I like thinking pessimistically, it gets you prepared for the worst. He most likely will never feel the same way about me again, ever. He will move on and find a new girlfriend to fall in love with. I just have to let it happen, I can’t stop him from being happy, everyone deserves to be happy. There’s no use in having two miserable people If hes happy, I just have to work on making myself happy too. It’s time to put my big girl pants on. Jealousy = immaturity. Never be jealous, it will only bring you down.

I’m about to get real cheesy here people. So all you lactose intolerants better take a step back. I need to open my heart, and focus on myself. I need to stop obsessing over him and his nonexistent feelings towards me. This happened to me for a reason, life pulled me out of this happiness for a reason. J.K. Rowling said “Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” That is the intent of this blog, to detail the trials and tribulations of every brick that is laid down.  I was a glass house before, shiny, fancy, but so fragile and dependent on my ex. to protect me from the things life throws at you. Now I will be a brick one, sure I might not have a fabulous boyfriend showering me with gifts, but damn am I stable. I’ve already hit rock bottom, so here’s to the days of construction that lie ahead.

-B

 

Diagnosis: Stress Cardiomyopathy

No I’m not dying, stress cardiomyopathy literally means broken heart syndrome. Let a premed explain: a breakup can cause an extreme reaction (extreme, ya think? No I don’t think me hysterically crying every day for 30 days was extreme at all. quite normal Doc) making your body release a shitton of stress hormones all at once. This temporarily stuns your heart and may cause you to feel the physical pain that your ex inflicted on you when they left. So the reason you haven’t been sleeping or eating is because your body is going into panic mode. Your body THINKS you need your ex to survive, making you desperate and crazy-unless, of course, you are normally desperate and crazy (who me?).

It’s beautiful isn’t it? The way your body and your mind are connected. How one person in one melodramatic instance makes you feel like you want to die, to willingly give away a perfectly good vestibule of YOU. I love the human body and its inner workings, and even if you aren’t a nerd like me, you should take some time to really appreciate the fact that you are alive. That even if you are depressed and you lie in bed all day, your heart has not stopped beating, and even though you feel as if you are numb, at any given second, hundreds of neurons are firing at once letting you know that you are alive. It’s almost magical how every cell in your body is working to keep you going, even when you don’t feel like going anywhere but your bed.

You might not feel accomplished right now, but let me tell you, every time you take a piss, well-that’s accomplishment enough. You don’t even want to know the complexities of the systems in place that allow you to “relieve yourself.” Your kidneys are pretty damn cool. Try and remember that ever time you head to the bathroom.

On a side note, I just want to take the time to thank anyone who has followed or liked my post. I’ve checked out some of your own blogs and your own stories are incredible. Most of you are older than me. I’ve mentioned it before, but I’m still in college. If I can make anyone smile, or make you feel as if you aren’t the only one going through this then that’s incredible because I can barely make Easy Mac in the microwave.

So I guess the point of this post was because I was throwing myself a pity party, and I need to stop. Your most important relationship is with yourself, your own heart. Go running with your heart and feel it beat faster as it tries to keep up with you. Go find something blue to stare at, because did you know that for old people, the blue receptors in their eyes are the first to go? Stop FEELING blue and go out in the world and see some blue. Was that cheesy enough for ya?

-B

 

To anyone who is currently crying, sans pants, sans dignity

Oh wait, that’s just me isn’t it.

Here’s what someone who is addicted to love has to say about breakups and losing the supposed love of your life. There’s nothing wrong with loving someone with your heart and soul. Just because they got over you way quicker than you ever thought about putting the ice cream back into the freezer doesn’t mean that’s your problem. It’s theirs.

I was crying hysterically this morning, as it is with every morning. Only this morning was different, I blocked his number. I made a change. Let me tell you, if your best friends, parents, everyone who has listened to you bemoan your pathetic downfall tell you to block him, you block him. It doesn’t matter if he still wants to be friends or texts you everyday. He is not worth the years that you have spent building a relationship with your friends. Ultimately sisters before misters, bros before hoes. That’s it.

You cannot move forward unless you have fully accepted the fact that he most likely will NEVER feel the same way about you again. That whatever you had, the beautiful memories, are in the past and NOTHING can change that. You cannot change his feelings. To those who haven’t learned this hard truth, you can NEVER change anyone. No matter how much they love you, change comes from within period. If you don’t like something about someone you have to either accept their flaws or move-the-fuck-on. So here’s to me moving-the-fuck-on, because I’m pretty sure the “i don’t love you as much anymore” flaw cannot just be accepted.

Have some standards people. The only reason you believe you need this person is because of your addiction. You thought you couldn’t live without them? Where here you are, living and shit. Although it FEELS like you are dying, surprise surprise, your organs are not slowly disintegrating. So pick yourself up, because not even your best friend that you call every 4 hours because you are convinced you are #foreveralone can do this for you. This is YOUR BATTLE. This may be the hardest thing you will ever have to face, but its all you. OWN IT. Life gave you, not your ex, this challenge, probably because you needed it. I mean just look at you (take a shower, seriously).

The most important thing to consider: You are not placed on this earth to find a husband/wife. If you want love, you have love. Your parents love you, your friends love you. That cuddling and romantic shit? That’s for the teenagers, you already HAD that. Now you have the opportunity to build yourself up and when you’re finally walking around like hot shit, you don’t even need a milkshake to bring the boys to your yard.

At least, that’s what I’m telling myself. Hey, whatever it takes for you to coax yourself out of bed and to rejoin civilization right?

-B

Life Lessons

This is going to be about a certain strong-minded, independent, and you guessed it you racist asshole, African American woman “who-don’t-need-no-man” who shoved enough sense into my airhead mind to stop wallowing and down a plastic cup of wine. Yes, you read that right, plastic cup of wine. So readers, have you guessed my age yet? For all of you Sherlock fanatics, you probably guessed it, I’m in college. The time when you can eat cereal out of a Red Solo Cup and people just look at you and shrug as if it was completely normal. 

College? You say? Psh, why you crying over a broken heart then? Well, I am. This isn’t just any breakup you see. I thought I was going to MARRY HIM. Yes, you could probably smell the crazy from my very first post. He was the perfect boyfriend. Maybe after some time and reflection I’ll realize we just weren’t meant to be or he wasn’t that great after all. Maybe not. 

Anyways, life lessons from this breakup from said black friend. First of all, everyone together, say it with me: THERE ARE STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA. Ok, so now that we have all acknowledged, that people in the world have way bigger issues than we do, we can get down to business. 

#1: Were you really in love? Or was this just an obsession. I was obsessed, addicted, high on life and him. But love? I guess time can only tell. Right now, I am in love with him. But, the present is never the future.

#2: Never depend on a boy too much. Be independent. Have your own group of friends, your own life. Never spend 24/7 with them, even though you want to. If you are too clingy, somethings wrong. Take a step back and fix yourself. 

#3: Never let a boy be your happiness. Find happiness in all aspects of your life and maintain it. Keep up with your friends and your hobbies. He should not be warped into your identity. Don’t be one of those couples with that combined name like Bradgelina. Because the name is a lie, Brad and Angie have their own separate lives. You on the other hand, as seen by your snotty tissues and lack of pants, typing away on your laptop, confessing your innermost thoughts and feelings to the internet, certainty didn’t. 

#4: Always leave them wanting more… 😉 To be continued.

-B

Right Now…

Hey blogosphere,

I’m going to do that annoying thing where I start from the present, giving you no information whatsoever about the traumatic experiences of the past. Let’s just say that I’m a drama queen. My world literally ended, heart stopped, as I went through hell, otherwise known as a breakup. I don’t really feel up to it, replaying the embarrassing events that lead to the eventual demise of my self esteem and dignity. You’ll get that later.

Right now, I’m okay. I have semi-accepted the fact that it is over. I say semi because I’m currently at that stage where I refuse to block his number and initiate no contact. Why? I want to leave the door open just in case. Stupid right? I know that if I give it time, maybe he will want me back, but maybe I won’t want him. On the bright side, I’ve bravely ventured forth out of my bed and have reached out to people other than Netflix for comfort :).

Why am I posting anonymously to the internet about my o-so-typical-first-world-bitch issues? Because a few days ago, I was in a very dark place, but I’m coming back out. Writing about this cliched journey to recovery is supposed to help me. But if it can help anyone else, then hey, maybe all this pain and suffering came with a purpose. So ladies and gents, help me out here. Give a broken-hearted girl who thinks she lost the love of her life a dose of hard cold reality. Because I know, if we all put our problems where everyone can see them, I’m sure I’d be the first one to take back my own.

O and that famous quote that I thought was from Shakespeare but really wasn’t “Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” Well my dear Willy, loving and losing really fucking sucks, just ask Juliet.

-B