If your husband was a porn star…

I read a great article on the New York times about a woman who met her husband through the porn industry. He asked her to quit her job, and years later she is happily married with a child. He continues to star in adult films and she gets asked, “How do you do it?” Her husband sleeps with different women all the time. That’s how he pays the cable bill. How does she do it?

Her answer was so simple. For others it might be the young blonde secretary out there in the waiting room. Or the hot best friend, that you were never too sure if it was JUST friendship. If he is going to leave it means he was never meant to stay. Your destiny is not tied to people that leave, only people that stay. So begging, pleading, tears get you nowhere. Everyone is ultimately looking for happiness. For different people, that might mean different things. I like security, I would like to have that guy that I marry be my high school sweetheart. He doesn’t. He’s young and ambitious and he’s a guy who runs for the hills when talks of the future come up.

Why am I wasting away precious time, energy, and happiness on a boy who doesn’t love enough to want a future with me? It’s not his fault, there’s nothing to blame. It’s just life. Sometimes, life gives you a soulmate who is a porn star. If he’s your soulmate then he will never leave you. If he leaves you, for some sleazy new girl, he was always going to leave you. I think, after going through a heartbreak like this, what I’ve learned is to treat the people that you are in a relationship with well. Never take them for granted. If you give it all of your effort, and you are able to walk away saying, “I was a good girlfriend” then its not your problem if you break up. It’s his. He will regret it months later.

I guess that’s the point of life too. It was always cool in middle school to not care about anything. You didn’t do your homework? Automatically cool. But this is reality, we aren’t in middle school anymore. Maybe we should all start trying. Giving everything 100% effort. The type of work that your kindergarten teacher would give you a gold star for and then your mom would hang it up on the fridge. Because then, if we don’t get that promotion, or that award, or that grade, or that person at least we can walk away knowing that we gave it our best shot. It just wasn’t meant to be.

Never ever feel stupid about giving it your best shot. Remember this, some woman out there is waiting behind a closed door, waiting for the director to yell “cut”. I’m sure she eyes up the actresses that her husband works with, wondering “am I prettier?” just like the rest of us. But sometimes, the guys don’t go for the prettier, skinnier, curvier, smarter, funnier girl. Sometimes they just go for THAT girl. And you don’t want to be with THAT guy.

Shes a porn star’s wife, who waits patiently for her husband to come home everyday. She’s giving it her best in their relationship. For him, it really is just sex and another way to pay the bills.

Here’s the part where I relapse…

It’s me again. Surrounded by tissues, crying 6 times a day, keeping myself confined to walls created by my blankets. I went back to school, and we were acting like a couple. We saw each other everyday, kissed, spent the night in his arms. Then came the fights; he was frustrated that I was always emotional. Now, here I am, back at square one. Empty. He can’t be in a relationship he says. So, this time, we broke up for real. It was inevitable of course, even I saw it coming. But when it happened, it knocked the wind out of me. 

He saw how weak I was. He told me I needed to be more independent and stand on my own. He tried to be my fucking mom and give me some life lesson. I’m going through withdrawal. I have small little bursts of anxiety. I want him back, at whatever the cost. I NEED to get over him already. It is the thought of him that is holding me prisoner preventing me from being happy. I think I need to reduce contact. I’m so lost, my instinct tells me to go back, its safer there and warmer. He’ll protect me from all of life’s lemons.

I read my old blog posts and I’d admire how beautiful some of them sound. They almost don’t sound like this rambling mess of words I have just spewed onto the page in a moment of sheer desperation (aka right now). I don’t know how to move forward, only how to move back. I took a big step, since we broke it off. We said we would just be friends. We say alot of things. This time, I think we were serious. This time, I think was the end. So I guess make way for more blog posts, as I try again, round 2, down this road of independence and singledom. He came back, and I wonder if he’ll come back again. 

This time, I feel like its over. This time I feel like I need to walk away from the ashes. Sometimes you get cut more picking up broken pieces and it’s just better to let them be. So maybe I’ve finally learned my lesson. Time to actually be independent, to roll up my sleeves and start doing some major reparations of my ego. This is probably good for me, my head was getting too big anyways.

New Beginnings or the Same Ending?

Hi Readers! It’s been a while. I’d like to proudly inform you all that I am no longer willingly confining myself to the realms of my room but have ventured out in the concrete jungle of Manhattan to work at an old internship. I have started eating again, and if carbs and ice cream count towards a healthy and well-balanced diet, then you might as well say that I’ve gone vegan. The workload in a corporate environment makes me understand why so many of these uptight and balding men go through mid-life crises. But at least it prevents me from obsessing over the breakup all day every day. Ironically, I write this at work because today, I actually have no work. So, it is time to update you all on my life.

They say the only constant in life is change. That was all of August. The first couple days were spent with his number blocked, crying myself to sleep, and calling my closest friends for hours. Then came the messaging, and along with it a backslide into desperation and utter loss of self-respect. Now, we are talking, even flirting, and we have agreed to meet up. Before you start popping champagne bottles and toasting to my happily ever after, let me say that I am no success story. It’s a long road to happiness, I’m not sure if it is even logically worth it.

I haven’t changed much, and my flaws are still very very apparent. Most relationship gurus will tell you to make a list of your Ex’s negative qualities. I say, make a list of your own too. Everything he has ever insulted you for, every argument and frustration, make sure you get it down in writing. Tape it next to your bed, and make sure you read it every morning. Take this time to work on yourself, without worrying about other people. Remember that one sketchy website that garunteed your ex back was actually right. If it was a long and meaningful relationship, it won’t just end. He won’t suddenly lose feelings for you. So don’t worry about getting him back, they ALWAYS come back.

He says he is trying too, to be a better man for me. I’m glad that he has swallowed his pride and acknowledged his own flaws, but how much of that is all talk? Have things truly changed? Have I even changed enough to let go of the past and move forward? See, I told you this is far from a happy ending. He says we broke up because I don’t trust him. Notice how I write, “He says.” Doesn’t take a genius to figure out how well I have worked on my trust issues.

This first date, won’t be like other first dates. There will be no introductions and the excitement of getting to know someone on a deeper level. There isn’t the adrenaline rush of traveling down that winding road to falling in love, because we were already there. This is us driving backwards.  BUT the rear view mirror has blind spots. What if I get hit again, and end up on the pavement with the wind knocked out of me. Do I take the risk?

I feel like I haven’t changed, I haven’t become less possessive and clingy. I haven’t become more reliable and stuck to my promises. I still make these empty promises that only reflect on the gaping hole I feel inside of me. And even though duct tape is the holy grail in plumbing repairs, I don’t think it will work its magic this time. This, unfortunately must be the time for me to actually confront my weaknesses and stop finding my happiness in a boy. See, all those Nicholas Sparks movies did not prepare me for the aftermath of a great love. All this pain and uncertainty of a new beginning does not come with a passionate reunion in the pouring rain. It comes with stress, an aching heart, and waiting. Is it worth it? You tell me.

All the Single (Lonely, Desperate, Sad, Clingy, Crazy) Ladies

As much as I would love to have Beyonce’s perspective on my current relationship status, I didn’t “wake up like this.” Well, actually, I did. I haven’t gotten out of my pajamas or brushed my hair. But I AM currently lacking in Queen B’s confidence, charisma, and curves.

My mental state had improved dramatically following the last four days of no contact. I seemed to have matured immensely and was even beginning to see the upside of the breakup. I had called my best friend the night before and foolishly declared that at the rate I was going, in the next four days I would be a changed woman. Stupid, stupid girl. Guess who messaged me the next day at 3 in the morning. It was a polite message, simply to inform me that he had moved out of our apartment that we had leased for the summer. He was concerned about my well being and hoped that I would feel better.

The self control I had built up over the last four days which allowed me to convince myself that I could live, no THRIVE without him, went to shit. The desperation poured out of me as I messaged him back over and over, keeping the conversation going. The progress I had made, the person I had become, was tossed aside, as the crazy psycho-exgirlfriend took the reigns. I cried, no, bawled for an hour. I moped all day. Surprise surprise, after 4 days of no-contact, he still did not regain feelings for me. Nothing had changed, hmmmmm I wonder why…. (please note the sarcasm), I continued to barrage him with questions, had he finally figured out his true feelings for me? (No.) Was he still in love with me? (Probably not). Where was my self-worth? (Gone.)

He missed me, he told me that several times. I understood, after going through a YEAR’S worth of spending almost every hour of the day together to being ripped apart and forced to continue through life alone is daunting. I’m sure he feels it too, after all, I didn’t date a TOTAL asshole. But he wasn’t sure of his feelings towards me, whether it be just love or just attachment and dependency. Then again, we are in college, so how could we know the first thing about love. But then again, I’m in college, and this breakup is the end of the world. What do you expect, I am a hormonal teenager barely functioning as an adult, of course I think I can’t live without him!

Ok, ok no more excuses. Starting tomorrow I have to force myself to move on. This isn’t the Notebook, writing 365 letters will only get you one thing Noah, a restraining order. I cannot continue waiting for someone who “isn’t sure whether they should be with me or not.” I cannot let my own personal value be defined by someone else. I am going to take this next month before school to build myself up, and ensure my own personal happiness. I want to show him that I don’t need him, and he wasn’t so Irreplaceable. That first day I’m going to strut right in with my head held high as a Single Lady and prove to him that I was the Best Thing He Never Had. Enough Beyonce jokes for you? Then please, on your keyboard press “to the left, to the left” arrow key to leave the page :).

-B