Reader be warned, this is me rambling. This is a post I hope to reread when I forget how far I’ve come on this journey towards recovery. It is long, it is repetitive, it is a scolding, and it is a pep-talk. It is a thousand lessons that this experience has taught me, taken down in writing so I don’t forget. We all make mistakes, and sometimes we learn from them, but most of the time we forget. I do not want to forget. Your body, as scientific research proves, will never remember the pain, but by writing this post I hope my mind will remember the lessons learned.
In the time since the end of my relationship to this very moment I have done the following: lost an unhealthy amount of weight, utterly humiliated myself in front of him, his friends, my friends and family, reconnected with old friends, and got a Netflix account. BUT most importantly, I’ve matured as an individual, not as much as I would like, but nonetheless steps have been made in the correct direction.
Here the not-so-conventional wisdom that I have acquired:
#1) Acknowledge why you broke up. It’s not over some girl, it must be deeper than that. The two of you played a role in the termination of your relationship. Sure, he holds some of the blame, but since I can’t change him, let me focus on myself. I started allowing my ex to create my happiness, cause me to become needy and clingy, constantly needing him to be around me 24/7. The confident, ambitious girl that he had fallen in love with had changed into an introverted anxiety-ridden clinger. He on the other hand had changed for the better, becoming much more social and open to new people. My ambitions started to revolve around him also, the independence I had prior to meeting him was gone and replaced with a severe mental and physical dependency.
#2) Very few times in life will you get the opportunity to have someone point out all the flaws in your personality. Once the tears and heartache have subsided to a reasonable magnitude, take a realistic look at every hurtful thing he said. Could some of them be true? For me, although some of the accusations were taken to the extremes, there was some once of truth in every nasty insult he threw at me. Selfish? I was selfish. Hypocritical? Yup. Untrusting? Check. Unreliable? You betcha. Very few people are willing to take a real good look at themselves in front of the mirror. Now’s your chance to put on your hard hat and do some real construction work. I’m at rock bottom, my ego has been so badly beaten it hides in a corner, so what better time to make this necessary change. At the top of my game with Prince Charming in hand, I’d be too preoccupied and too proud to even think that I had these flaws to begin with. I can practice with my family and friends and try to implement these changes into my personality permanently. I might have been born or raised in an environment that allowed me to be a pretentious bitch, but I don’t NEED to stay that way. When I get back to college, I want to be able to show not only him, but my peers and especially myself that I have changed for the better. Change is the only constant in life, there’s no use resisting it. If my relationship status changed, lets change myself too, not for him to want me back, but for me to become the very best version of myself.
#3) I thought the virtue of patience deserved its own number. I am impatient. Those three words, have summed up the entirety of my life. I can never sit still, and I always look towards the future while ignoring the present.My ex used to complain all the time of me never enjoying the moments with him but constantly daydreaming about our wedding. Not only do I not stop to smell the roses, I don’t even see the roses, just the thorns. The present is a gift, that’s why they call it the present. Kung Fu Panda taught me that. I shouldn’t be impatiently waiting for the future, the present has so much too offer, no matter how bleak the situation seems. Although my breakup involved another woman, constant fighting, the realization that perhaps this wasn’t even love-it was obsession, recognition of flaws and huge differences even among core values, and even possible emotional abuse (according to my dramatic friends) it can be summed up into one simple statement. Time. After all the fighting, bitterness, and emotions he wanted time to figure out what his feelings were for me. As much as it hurts to acknowledge that he no longer loved me so deeply or at all anymore, it was reality. During my disastrous breach of no-contact everything was laid out on the table. He said he still thought about me every day. I know he still cared, and still worried about me. I do the same for him. But, even my own love towards him, was it real and true or was it just lust and obsession. The thing is, only time will tell. I just have to be patient. Nobody can see the future, if it is meant to be, it will be. Things change, people change, perspectives change. How? Time. Just be patient, focus on self-improvement, and time will take care of the rest.
#4) Life doesn’t give you many chances for a new beginning. You can’t just start over with a new house, new kids, new friends, new family. With this breakup, this truly is a new beginning. As I start my year in school I have the opportunity to make a new life for myself. A possible new career path, joining new clubs, meeting new people, dating new boys are all in store. These new-found experiences will add to me becoming a new person, externally that is. I think the only way that you can truly rekindle your romance with an ex is a fresh start. When the two of you seem like completely different people, only then will it be worth your time to give each other another shot.
#5) After actively focusing on your own life and trying to improve yourself the only thing TO DO is wait. Once you’ve done everything you can the only thing left to do is wait. Time, that’s all you need. Stop being impatient that time is taking so long, of course it does, that’s what TIME is. With time you will learn to let him go as you are now, with time you might meet someone better, with time you will gain perspective, with time he may or may not come back, and with time you may or may not care.
So keep on moving forward. Keep on improving day by day. Here’s your chance to make yourself better, take it. Think less about him and more about you. Stop google-ing “Ways to Get Back with my Ex” because even those websites tell you the same thing, TIME. So sit back, relax, and for god sake try and smile once in a while. Life is great, enjoy the present but also know that things will get better. They always do. Life has a funny way of working out for the best.
-B
athousandbrokenhearts 